...31 amazing years...

I just returned from "candle-lighting" at Delta High School. Our Daniel is a class officer and was sworn in today.

It gives me cause to reflect...........I've had thirty-one "first days of school"!!! No. We have not celebrated every single one. There were times when we were lucky to remember that it was the first day of school!! This year is my last...........and I find myself both happy and sad. Twelve years ago, when Daniel started kindergarten I mourned. Even going for registration, I had to hurry out before the tears started sliding down my face. I knew I had to do something for that "first day", so I bought licorice jelly beans and black m&ms to take to his teacher and the principal. It worked! No tears at school! But then I found I couldn't go back home! Whatever would I do with myself for 2 1/2 hours?!?? I went to the warehouse for at least part of that time.........and that was the routine for the first few days.  I got over that and was just beginning to enjoy my solitude when a neighbor asked if I could watch her nine month old daughter while she went to work. I did, and I've had very little "solitude" since! I am tired. I don't have the energy I once had. There are other things going on in my life that require me to focus much of what energy I do have in other directions. I am a grandma! And I have to remind myself to not feel guilty when I can't get to every activity he participates in. But at the same time, I want to be as much "mom" to him as I was to our other children. In general, I have thoroughly enjoyed being "Mom". Granted, there were times, long and short, when I didn't want the job! But on the whole, I'd do it all over again. I love being "in the trenches", "on the front line"........and "grandma" doesn't get that job.............and, as Grandma, I'm pretty sure I don't want it! Perish the thought of never holding my own newborn ever again........worlds without end.............that fills me with deep dread.............but...........for now, in this mortal experience, I find myself ready to enjoy a new season. And I truly mean to enjoy it! I realize there is at least one thing that will happen to bring deep sorrow as the season changes, but I can not stop that. I can only try not to shrink from its coming. Even with all I know and am absolutely sure of.........I find I want the summer to never end. If it could go on just as it is...............but that is so unfair to Suzanne. And I don't really want her to have to lie in bed indefinitely............I don't want to go through the pain of separation, either!!! Thankfully, it is not up to me. I'm so grateful to know I have a loving Father in Heaven who knows me, Suzanne, and all of us........who wants us to return home and will do and has done all that He can to make that happen. I am learning more about the atonement and our Savior's love for us..........I have no words to express my feelings.............and my thoughts could go on forever...........and maybe not make much sense to anyone else.............I'm trying to live the now with a joyful heart.